Vacation Lessons 1 to 7

I love efficiency. If something can be done better and faster? SIGN ME UP. I’ve been having an indecent love affair with Instacart since before the pandemic. Did you know you can Instacart Sephora to your office? Or that you can Instacart a bookbag to your house two hours before a flight? It’s mesmerizing, and I’ll never stop using it. If someone can run my errands while I do other stuff – like work or pack – and it’s a drop in the bucket in terms of fees, WHY WOULD I NOT DO THIS? Same with Amazon. Is Bezos a bozo? Yes. Brilliant? Also, yes. Did you know you can Amazon Prime yourself tires? YOU CAN. More on that later.

I have a love-hate-fear relationship with money. I’m cheap as Hell with some things – I drive a 2010 Chevy Malibu that I use as a traveling closet (trash can?) between dog-sitting jobs. It has more than 110,000 miles on it, a remote start that I haven’t used in years because I’m too lazy and cheap to go get new fobs, and apparently, a freshly flat tire (obvs the reason behind the Amazon search), according to my friend who’s babysitting it for me between airport pick-ups and drop-offs while I’m in Florida. BUT IT’S PAID OFF, DAMN IT. One day, it will just quit running, and I’ll stop on the highway, say a prayer that it gets to Car Heaven swiftly, and walk away from it forever.

On the flippety flop, if I added up how much money I spent on hard-gel manicures with all kinds of art and trinkets on them, I think I’d barf. Every once in a while, I start doing the mental math and then promptly distract myself with something shiny – like my own hands – so I won’t know the total.

And so, here I am in Florida, on another two-week adventure, attempting to be efficient and making things affordable – while also being safe – and learning many lessons along the way. Here are a list of dos and don’ts I’ve assembled, having run off to the Sunshine State solo so.many.times.

Lesson 1 – Play Chicken With Airbnb

First of all, it’s exhilarating. And secondly, these people start to get worried as time starts a tickin’ that nobody’s going to rent their unit, so they reactively start dropping their prices like mad. Did I have places to stay all lined up by the time I flew down here? Nope, only rezzies for the first coupla days, but I got me a $300/night resort-style condo on the beach for $99/night. Take that, scaredy cats.

Lesson 2 – Dog or House Sit

Seriously. Beyond the fact that I’d make out with mutts for free if I could, people pay maaaaad money for you to do it. It’s legitimate, nearly passive income (Can I get a “boss babe?” Holllla! Sike, please don’t.). While I work my full-time, “real” job, I dog sit, save all that dough up, and then use it to fund my vacations. Pluuuus, sometimes you can get you a dog job ON your vacation, and then reduce your hotel/Airbnb expenditures. Go ahead and say it, “You’re a genius, Molly.” I KNOW.

Lesson 3 – Take Half the Clothes and Twice the Money

I can’t claim this one. It’s a sentiment of my father’s – a Big Lar rule. But, annoyingly, and as always, it rings true. I have NEVER used all of the clothes I’ve brought with me and have always ended up not accounting for random expenses. Good rule ‘o thumb.

Lesson 4 – Pack a Duffle Bag

Speaking of packing, chances are you’re going to buy stuff when you’re traveling. I will always, always buy a dress if I hit St. Pete Beach. And lo and behold, stuff just doesn’t fit the same when you’re trying to get back home. So, when Southwest inevitably says, “Molly, your bag is too heavy. You’re going to have to pay $75 for the extra weight or $25 for a beautiful Southwest-emblazoned duffle bag to pack some of your extras in (because this somehow affects the total weight on an aircraft),” you can say, “Ah ha, Southwest! Let me unzip and reassess my packing. I already have one of your damn duffles, and I’m never paying for another one again! Sayonara, sweetheart!”

Lesson 5 – Don’t Let the Overlords of Rental Cars Fool You

You do not need their insurance if you already have car insurance. I REPEAT, YOU DO NOT NEED THEIR COVERAGE NOT AT ALL. It’s a scam, fam. There. I just saved you hundreds of dollars. “Buuut, buut, but, you’re gonna wanna get a SunPass, honey, especially if you’re heading to Tampa,” the 20-something know-it-all patronizes. “It’s only $12.95 a day.”

You know what’s $4.99 and will automatically replenish in $10 increments if – and only if – I go through a toll? The SunPass mini I buy at CVS, baby. And, when I call their 800 number and nicely ask if they’ll back date me to the day I picked up the rental car (because, of course, it took me three days to actually get there), they’ll say “Sure, sweetheart, what else can I do for you?” And I’ll let that little pet name slide because it was done with love and currency.

Of note, if you try to do this online, it may tell you that your license plate is already active because of the rental car company. If you call the 800 number, they’ll override the overlords.

Lesson 6 – Don’t Cheap Out When It Comes to Activities

Once, I bought a “Swim With Dolphins!!” Groupon package to surprise my sister for her birthday. We ended up in what was essentially Cocoa Beach’s Marsh Run (if you’re not from Indiana, PA, just think about your nearest “crick), with a dude selling Miller Lights out of the back of his trash boat while he yelled, “Look! I just saw one!” repeatedly, as though we were stupid. Narrator: they didn’t see shit in that knee-high mud bath.

Lesson 7 — Always Add a Plus One*

I generally travel alone, but no one needs to know that while I’m in action, nor should they. In the spirit of safety, it’s better to lie than end up being the subject of a true crime podcast.

When Airbnb/a hotel/the hippie commune’s tiny house I’m going to stay in asks me how many guests I’ll have, I always say two. While I’ve never had an experience where I’ve felt unsafe, you just don’t ever know who you’re actually dealing with. And make that plus one a man. Yeah, yeah, fuck the patriarchy and all that, but one must also play the game of survival. If I’m expressly asked a name, I use an ex-boyfriend with whom I’m still friendly. I figure if they Google XOXO’s name, his strong-jawed face and man business will pop up aggressively enough that the Bad Guys will reconsider coming for us. ICYMI: This is what it’s like to live as a woman. This is the constant thought process. Side note to XOXO, you’ve gotten yourself many five-point reviews thanks to me. You’re welcome.

Same with the rental car company. They weirdly have asked me a few times, “Will you be alone?” “Of course not!” I shout. “My boyfriend/husband/love monster/daddy will be with me later, but I’ll be the primary driver.” Puke.

*When making a dinner reservation or trying to get into a restaurant, definitely say it’s just you. In my experience, there’s a higher likelihood that you’ll be seated because how could there not be room for just one? Also, I’ve noticed the female waitstaff tend to be more attentive and chatty, like some sort of curious-girl-power-maternal-protective energy, and male waitstaff generally seem so confused by a woman dining solo that they tread lightly. I like both of these. In either instance, it’s not unusual to get a “Welcome to Florida!” discount, and get in with some locals in a public way – also a safety measure. Additionally, I tend to sit and write during solo dining and over order because #vacation, so I’ve been asked more than once if I was a restaurant reviewer. I refuse to answer so as not to lie, and my God, my service is always spectacular.

I’ve been away from sun, sand, and DeSantis for two weeks now and am desperately missing 66% of these things. My adventures keep me from wallowing in the western Pennsylvania SADs, and writing about and remembering them help me to keep that positive inertia going. When I’ve recharged from spilling open my lifestyle onto the public, I shall return with part deux.

Efficiently yours,

Molly